We all have these “things.”  You know, the “things” we pick up through osmosis during our youth, simply by growing up with our parents. I don’t mean genetic things like thunder thighs or premature graying, but things that automatically, quietly stick to us like sand on wet skin.
    There are valuable, essential things like devotion and empathy, of course, that unnoticeably imprint on young minds, along with environmental things, like a propensity for slightly burnt bacon, saving the good dishes for company or dousing wounds with Mercurochrome (if you’re under 30, “google” it!). But equally adhesive to impressionable minds are familial expressions, words of wisdom that seep into psyches unconsciously … until one fateful day. The day consciousness is abruptly regained as the words, “Because I said so, that’s why,” form involuntarily on your forked tongue (you swore you’d never!) and launch uncontrollably from your mortified mouth toward your annoyed progeny.
    When did it change? I used to be one who rolled my eyes when I heard the irritatingly familiar, “As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.”  I’m the one who did dead-on impressions of my dad delivering “dadisms” like “Do as I say, not as I do,” while chain-smoking Marlboros, or, “It’ll grow hair on your chest,” encouraging both kids to eat their vegetables — hardly an enticing incentive for my sister or me.
    When does it happen? After our first baby’s umbilical cord is snipped? Five, 10 years into parenthood? When do we become possessed by the Ghost of Parent Past and begin blurting out dad’s corny signature line — and looking around to see how many witnesses must die? Our parents’ words will eventually escape from our glossed lips. Maybe your parental proverbs vary, but mark my words, “Paternal Mutation” is a universal phenomenon, and coming soon to your home, too.
    Many sayings have transcended time, socio-economic, religious and race divides. Wonder how those ubiquitous parenting idioms began? Was it a stone-age head of household who exasperatedly responded to his teenager’s open hand, “Do you think wooly mammoth pelts grow on trees?”  Or, a Native American dad who denied his daughter trendy new moccasins by asking, “Do you think I’m made of wampum?”  And, what’s with all the farm references? Perhaps 19th century pioneer parents inspired: “Close the door. Were you born in a barn?”, “Get your elbows off the table; this is not a horse’s stable,” and “‘Hey’ is for horses!”
    With all due respect, many expressions are just dumb. I’m happy to report that I still possess both eyes despite my mother’s chronic warning, “You’re going to poke your eye out!”, which she’d yell whether I was running with a machete or slice of pizza. And there’s, “If you keep doing that, your face will stay that way.” I’ve NEVER seen one adult with permanently crossed eyes, frozen lips stretched wide around a rigid tongue.
    The classic, “This is going to hurt me worse than it hurts you,” isn’t only dumb, but it’s also a lie!  As is, “Would I give it to you if it weren’t good?”  Apparently so because then mom put liver or beets on our plates. My personal favorite, however, is the inspired, “If you break your legs, don’t coming running to me!”
    I must confess while I’m throwing my parents under the horse and buggy, there are a few dated “mother maxims” I’ve been guilty of perpetuating: “Don’t make me stop this car!”  and “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” are part of my repertoire.
    Other adult adages are plain baffling to smaller ears. “In a minute you’ll be laughing on the other side of your face” — a cousin to “Do you want me to wipe that smile off your face?”  Is that a trick question?  Still other sage parents told us to stop crying or they’d “give us something to cry about!”  Don’t laugh. Don’t cry. How confusing is that?
    Lastly are those multi-generational standards: “Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been!”  “Just WAIT till Dad gets home!” “If (bozo’s name) jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?”, which is in dire need of an update. Maybe, “If (bozo) skateboarded onto the interstate, or had transgender surgery, or voted for Ralph Nader … ” Only suggestions.
    Shake your head now, but morphing into a parent is inevitable. How many times do I have to tell you?