According to Him

In the “advice on men” category, we decided to go straight to the source. Each month, a different “expert” (translated: a plain-old, local, everyday, run-of-the-mill guy) will respond to reader questions. This is not intended to replace your girlfriend’s/mother’s/any-other-female’s advice, but is merely a point of reference from the male species.

Q: I have put on 10 pounds in the last three months, and my boyfriend doesn’t seem attracted to me. Is it because he thinks I’m fat?
 

A: Contrary to what a lot of women might think, a lot of us don’t mind a little more weight on our women. We find “thick” to be sexy (and just because you hear “thick” that doesn’t mean “fat”). When you have put on some weight, and you notice that the sexual climate has changed, nine times out of 10, we are not responding to the weight, but your attitude about the weight. When your self-esteem is affected by your self-image, you probably get hyper-sensitive, which makes us uncomfortable ... like we have to walk on egg shells. When we’re not at ease, it’s hard to relax and enjoy you, 10 pounds larger, smaller or if you stay the same. When you love you, you’re easier to love on, period.
 

Q: I met a man recently, and we were “intimate,” but I haven’t heard from him in two days. Why hasn’t he called?
 

A: It depends. A girl shouldn’t assume that every time she gets intimate with a guy that there’s gonna be a love connection. When you don’t take the time to really know a guy before sleeping with him, that also means you didn’t take the time to get to know his situation (i.e. if he’s in a relationship, travels a lot, isn’t interested in something long-term, etc.). Women expose their souls in sex, but that’s not always the case with men. If you want more, then you need to say that and then wait to see if he feels the same way — before you sleep with him.
 

Q: When I’m talking to my boyfriend, I feel like he’s ignoring me. He doesn’t look me in the eye, and he seems distracted. How can I tell if he’s really listening to me? Better yet, how can I make sure he does listen to me?
 

A: When you are talking to us, we are not ignoring you, but your presentation has a lot to do with how we listen. We listen more to how you say something than to what is being said. One thing I wish women understood is that tone of voice is everything to a man. We don’t dialogue like you do. You tend to be more expressive, more animated. We are more bottom liners. If we sense the conversation is going to turn into a confrontation, we will usually rationalize that it’s best to just let you have your say, because really, who likes playing a game that they know they’re going to lose?

If it’s a conversation about something that we sense will turn into an argument, we want to find a resolve as soon as possible. When you’re yelling at us, we may not be looking at you because what we’re focusing on is how we can maintain our cool while you’re attacking us (and yes, an elevated tone, a screeching voice and yelling feels like an attack!).

A woman’s worst fear is being physically abused, right? Well, a man’s is being emotionally abused, and when you chastise us, we feel like you are treating us like children, which we are not. To insult a man by belittling him? To us, that’s emotional abuse.

There are so many studies that support the fact that you use way more words in a day than we do. When you are talking about something that upset you or you wish we would change, you may think you are just expressing yourself, but because we don’t use as many words, for us, it comes across like more of a lecture or argument. If I forget something, don’t preach to me; just remind me. Women like novels, we like checklists.