Sorry, but I'm going to have to pass the humor torch to this little guy today. He's been making the email rounds, and regardless of the fact that I did not personally give birth to him, he still gets the Cutest Baby Ever stamp of approval. Also, he's got some great holiday gift ideas for those of you who are shopping on a budget. Check it out:

I was watching CNN this morning, soaking in the usual hard-hitting news stories (will Ted Turner and Jane Fonda ever reconcile? "She says she still loves you, Ted.") when up pops a story about pirates hijacking a Philippines chemical tanker.

I was all, PIRATES?  Today? As in, not a bazillion years ago?

This may be a wildly inappropriate and self-centered thing to say on this historic election day, but WOULD YOU LOOK AT MY HAIR?

What IS that?

I'd like to propose new legislation that prohibits complete strangers from telling me how tired I look. I know they're just trying to make conversation

"Happy" Holidays!

Enjoy your "FREE" gift!

Come on in! We're open "24/7"!

Introducing The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotations, one of my favorite new ways to "kill" time on the Internet:

http://quotation-marks.blogspot.com/

Have you ever hit the web late Friday night and emailed your boss a Merlot-marinated piece of your mind?

"Mom, do I smell poop?
Oh wait, no.
That's just my breakfast."

Who knew? Sara Lee is now in the business of selling “fresh IDEAS.” Good for you, Sara Lee. It pays to diversify.

1. Today I had lunch with the editor of Bob Barker's autobiography

As if we needed more ways to kill time online, now there's Jib-Jab, which in my humble opinion, is the best source of e-cards yet. The site lets you upload and edit your own photos so you can star in hilarious mini music videos--and email them to all of your friends. It's easy, it's funny, and it's free.

For a sneak preview of what Jib-Jab has to offer--check out my hubby and me in our own solid gold performance, by clicking on this link:

http://blabbermouse.typepad.com/blabbermouse/2008/09/larry-and-i-get-dow...

Or, go straight to the source and make your own:

This morning at breakfast, my four-year-old, Gus, said, "Mom, I bet you already know what I'm going to get you for your birthday."

"Actually, I have no idea, Gus."

He rolled his eyes. "Yes you do."

"No, I really don't."

"It's something you really, really want."

"I can't wait."

"Actually? It's three things!"

"Three things?"

"Guess what they are."

"Well, let me think. Three things that I really, really--"

"I'll just tell you. It's a pretty princess dress-up suit. A Barbie. And some wine."

HOW DID HE KNOW?

Hope springs eternal. Box springs, on the other hand, need to be replaced every eight years. Mattresses, too. If my husband so much as sneezes in our bed, it feels like he’s having an epileptic seizure. Throw two kids and an itchy canine into the mix, and we might as well be sleeping on the San Andreas Fault. I keep waiting for The Big One.

So I asked my friend, who recently got a Sleep Number bed, whether they’re really worth the money.

She nodded emphatically, “That bed saved our marriage.”

Yesterday I brought a basket of my husband's fresh-grown tomatoes into work and set it down in the kitchen.

Beside it, I placed a sign:

FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER WANTED
TO GRAB AMANDA'S TOMATOES;
HERE IS YOUR CHANCE.

I'm proud to report that within five minutes, the basket was nearly empty.

My husband has so many wonderful qualities. So many. But when it comes to basic home repairs, he could glean a few tips from Handy Manny, the lovable cartoon contractor.

Let's say, for instance, Handy Manny was called in to unclog a toilet in our downstairs bathroom. Do you think that once he had cleared the clog, he would just walk off, leaving the dirty toilet plunger sticking straight out of the toilet?

I don't think he would.

So I tried a Pilates class at the Y yesterday.

Outside.

On the roof.

At noon.

(In August)

And yes.

I would like a medal.

Or if you don’t have a medal, a slice of caramel cake would be nice.

Developed in ancient times (the early 1900s), Pilates is designed to put your core muscles to work.

This is all well and good if your core muscles are accustomed to having a job. But mine married straight out of high school and have never worked a day in their lives. They don’t even volunteer. So, you can imagine what a star that made me in class.

This is not funny.

But I feel it’s my duty to warn you.

Have you been to the Sun & Ski Sport store at Opry Mills?
And if so, have you disrobed in the dressing room there?

OH.
MY.
GOD.

The mirrors have cellulite BUILT IN.

You know. In case you didn’t bring your own.

I was there to buy a new pair of Crocs for my older son, and I saw some running shorts on sale. Against my better judgment, I decided to try them on. Because after all, I do run. Daily. For exercise.

You’d think that would make me a reasonably fit individual, right?

So perhaps you've gathered that I like me some celebrities. Young ones, old ones, it girls, out girls, actors, musicians, newscasters from the seventies, I don't care. If you're more famous than I am, I would like to watch you drink your latte.

An US Weekly from 1996 is better than no US Weekly. That's my motto.

And, as my husband says, a woman's obsession with celebrities is no different than a man's obsession with sports.

Except that celebrities are about a thousand times more interesting.

It recently came to my attention that I haven’t taken a week’s vacation in eight years.

Funny, I hadn’t even noticed.

There have been getaways, of course. A long weekend here. A Christmas with loved ones there. But never a full week in one place with the sole purpose of relaxing and (gasp) having fun.

When my mom called a few months ago to say she and my father were thinking of renting a house in Maine this summer and would we like to join them for a week, I balked.

“A week? No. I don’t do that. A long weekend perhaps …”